The Oscars! An Open Letter to This Year's Nominees ....

It's true that when anyone walks up to the podium to accept their Oscar that behind them exist a large group of (usually anonymous) people that work tirelessly to support them in their life, and that these support people deserve being thanked by the artist for what they do.

But not at the awards podium. Not unless they actually impacted the artist's ability to do his or her art. So if you're an actor, thank your high school drama teacher, but not your accountant. Screenwriters, give a shout out to Faulkner or Hemingway if those authors impacted your writing in a meaningful way, but there's no freakin' way your lawyer could have made you a better writer, so we don't want to hear his name.

Thank your legion of deservedly anonymous support folks the old fashioned way. With money. That way, you can use your minute at the podium to thank your parents, perhaps the movie's director, your co-stars (without naming each one), and say a little something that's both funny and endearing in order to make the awards show just that much more entertaining for us folks at home, because god knows the host's skits and jokes, the dance sequences, and the songs aren't doing much to help out (I still shudder when I hear the name Debbie Allen).

If you're not particularly good at making funny and endearing comments, it's perfectly acceptable to hire a writer to write your acceptance speech for you. But please don't thank him at the podium, even if he writes his thank you into your speech. Just pay him appropriately.